


Forgivable

by elem (elem44)



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Episode Tag, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-08
Updated: 2017-10-08
Packaged: 2019-01-10 21:15:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,866
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12307944
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elem44/pseuds/elem
Summary: A J/C twist to that appalling episode, from Neelix’s point of view.





	Forgivable

**Author's Note:**

> Happy Birthday to all the Aquarius’s…or is that Aquarii? Anyway, you know who you are. Many happy returns.  
> hank you to audabee and pook for the read throughs.

It has been a long and troubling day and, even though it’s very late, I’m not surprised to find the Commander sitting alone in the darkened mess hall. He’s hard at work on something at one of the far tables, and I’m curious to see what is keeping him so busy.

I have a feeling that it has something to do with the Ramuran woman, Kellin, whom the Commander had become involved with over the last week.

She left Voyager earlier today, returning to her own people after being pursued and caught by a Ramuran Tracer. Her memories had been wiped by something called a neurolytic emitter and sadly, the knowledge of her feelings for the Commander had disappeared.

There’d been much chatter amongst the crew during the dinner break about the Ramuran pheromone that blocks other species’ long-term memories. This means by morning, all knowledge of Kellin and her time aboard Voyager will be gone.

According to Ensign Gallagher, the ship’s computer was infected with a virus that will wipe all evidence of the Ramurans from its memory as well. Kellin and her people will fade from our lives – disappearing, as if they’d never existed. It seems unbelievable, but it’s not the first strange thing we’ve encountered on our journey through the Delta Quadrant, and I’m sure it won’t be the last.

I can’t help feeling sorry for the Commander and I’m not surprised he’s upset. He’d fallen in love with the beautiful alien and his heart is broken. I watch him from the kitchen for a few moments and then decide that, in my capacity as Morale Officer, it’s my duty to see if there’s anything I can do to help. Grabbing the coffee pot, I weave my way through the tables, towards him. “More coffee, Commander?”

He’s so engrossed that he barely glances up.

“No, thanks. I’m almost done.”

I get the impression he wants to be alone, but I decide to stay in case he needs a sympathetic ear. Often people don’t know that they need to talk until they do. Being in the right place, at the right time, has been my secret strategy as morale officer over the years. He’s writing with an old ink pen on a piece of paper and I comment on this, to get his attention.

“Strange to see you using those ancient writing implements.”

My ploy works and he looks up at me, resting his hand on the table for a moment. “It’s the only way I could get a permanent record of what’s happened in the last few days. I want to get it down before I forget it all.”

I understand why he would want to. My memories of Kellin are already starting to fade. It must be so much worse for him. “I’m sorry things didn’t work out for you.”

I feel badly for him, but I’m not sorry that she’s gone. That might seem uncharitable, and it’s not that I didn’t like her, quite the contrary, but I’d seen how the Captain looked at the blonde woman who had stolen the Commander’s heart, and it worried me to see her like that.

The Captain is very dear to me and my first duty is to ensure her happiness and wellbeing. She was definitely _not_ happy about the Commander and Kellin, but she is a woman of the highest integrity and grace, and she would never say anything or interfere.

The Commander looks up at me and interrupts my thoughts.

“I’ve been trying to make sense of it. I fell in love with her twice. I thought she could do the same. We were the same two people on the same ship. Why didn’t it happen again? I keep going over and over our last conversation, trying to think if there was something I could have said, could have done, but nothing comes to mind.”

I want to tell him, that it didn’t happen again because it wasn’t meant to be. I’m a great believer in fate and destiny. If something is supposed to happen, it will, no matter what the circumstances. However, I have a feeling that he doesn’t need to hear that now. So instead, I give him some heartfelt advice. It was something that the Captain said to me when Kes ended our relationship. It gave me great comfort at the time, and perhaps he can use it to see past his unhappiness and find that life is still full of possibilities.

“Commander, I don’t think you can analyse love. It’s the greatest mystery of all.” He sits back and listens. “No one knows why it happens or doesn’t. Love is a chance combination of elements. Any one thing might be enough to keep it from igniting. A mood, a glance, a remark. And if we could define love, predict it, it would probably lose its power.” He gives me a thoughtful smile and I feel now, that my job here is done. “I’ll let you finish.”

I walk back towards the kitchen with my coffee pot, but before I get all the way to the galley he calls out to me. “Good night.”

I glance at him over my shoulder and give him an encouraging smile. Sadly, life is filled with these moments of roads not taken and paths untried. In light of Voyager’s circumstances, this ship abounds with people who have encountered many of these crossroads. I know, because I’m one of them. We’ve all made choices, both good and bad, and have had to live with the consequences. However, life goes on.

I know, deep down, that Kellin wasn’t the right woman for the Commander. No matter how badly he is feeling now, in the long run, it’s better that we all forget. It seems like a blessing somehow. What a pity we can’t do that with all our mistakes.

I enter the kitchen and move towards the back of the galley to begin preparing tomorrow’s breakfast. There’s always so much to be done to keep this crew fed and healthy. The neccel strips need to be soaked in brine and I have to put the Seltin fungus on to boil. It will take at least six hours before it’s soft enough to chew. The oatmeal can be left until morning but I’ll have to remember to leave the Jibalian eggs out to sour overnight for the omelettes. While I duck down into one of the cupboards to find my Amber spice, I hear the doors to the mess hall open and close. The Commander must have finished his letter and gone to his quarters. Finding the spice at last, I place it on the counter, but as I stand, a movement over by the window catches my eye and I duck low again.

The Commander is still here and the Captain is making her way over to him through the scatter of tables.

I’m not quite sure what I should do. I have visions of being upended in a vat of leola root if they catch me eavesdropping, but if I wander out there now or interrupt them, then nothing will be resolved and I have a definite ‘feeling’ about this. The look on the Captain’s face over the last few days has left me thinking. I caught her on several occasions watching the Commander and Kellin with such a sad, but thoughtful, look. I think for the first time she realised that there was a very real risk of losing him to someone else.

You see, I knew that the Captain loved the Commander, and that the Commander loved the Captain. My Kes had known how they felt about one another right from the very beginning. There’d been much speculation amongst the crew, however, Kes and I had never told anyone what we knew for certain. With Kes’s gift, she’d been able to ‘read’ what was in their hearts, and ‘see’ the true nature of their feelings for one another. We’d waited for them to come together, but both were so stubborn and set in their ways. We’d even resorted to manoeuvring them in the right direction, but to no avail. The more we pushed, the more resistant they became. In the end, we decided that we’d have to let it happen in its own good time, and I had a very strong feeling that tonight was _that_ time.

There was something in the air tonight. It felt as if my Kes was close by – sometimes I’m so sure she’s near. It could merely have been my imagination, but I could almost hear her whispering to me that tonight, everything would fall into place.

So, with that in mind, instead of trying to sneak out of the mess hall or make my presence known, I slinked down behind the counter and, gripping my knees to my chest, I waited and listened.

“Chakotay?”

“Captain.”

I hear the slide of a chair on the carpet. She has sat down opposite him as she always does. “I came to see if you were all right.”

There’s the sound of a deep sigh and then the Commander’s strained voice. “I’ll be fine. By this time tomorrow I won’t remember, so the hurt is only going to be short lived.”

“That doesn’t make it any less painful though. I’m so sorry.”

“It’s not your fault.”

“I still feel responsible. You know I always do.”

There’s the sound of a huffed chuckle. “That’s true, but this had nothing to do with you. You’re off the hook this time.”

“That’s not entirely true. I could have refused her asylum and you wouldn’t be feeling like this, but we won’t say anything more about that. Did you see her off in the transporter room?”

“Yes. She was happy to be going home and had no recollection of what we’d had together and I know that by tomorrow afternoon, I’ll be the same. I don’t know whether to be sad or grateful.”

“I’m grateful.”

“Kathryn?”

“I’m sorry, Chakotay. That must seem harsh and uncaring, but I couldn’t bear to lose you.”

“I wasn’t going anywhere. I only wanted Kellin to stay.”

It’s quiet for a minute and then I hear the Captain’s voice. It sounds strained. “I didn’t.”

Chakotay’s voice is gruff with anger. “What!? You said she could. You were lying?”

“No. You asked, and of course I agreed to let her stay, but I would have lost you and I … well, you know.”

“Kathryn, you’ll never lose me. You’re my best friend.”

I could hear the disappointment in the Captain’s voice and my heart ached for her.

“I know and that’s a great comfort, for now.”

“Kathryn?”

“It won’t always be that way though, will it, Chakotay? One day you will fall in love with someone who won’t leave and whom we won’t forget. That will be my cue to step back. It won’t be my place to be your best friend anymore.”

“That will never happen.”

I could hear the resignation in the Captain’s answer. “It will and it’s how it should be. Think about it, Chakotay. Can you honestly say that Kellin would have been happy about you coming to my quarters and having dinner with me on a regular basis? I don’t think so.”

The Commander was quiet for a long time. “I guess not.”

“Hmmm. Well, now that I know how it feels, at least I have time to prepare myself for the eventuality and get used to the idea.”

I’m trying to imagine the Commander’s face during this long silence, but then the Captain speaks again.

“When the time comes, I’ll miss you and what we have.” She heaves a deep sigh. “It’s selfish of me, I know, but that’s why I’m not sorry she’s gone. I can’t lie to you.”

“Yes, you can. You do it all the time and it wouldn’t have hurt you to lie tonight.” There is an edge of anger in his voice.

“You’re right. I’m sorry.”

“That’s three apologies in the one conversation. Are you sure _you’re_ all right?”

“Do you want the truth or a lie?”

“Am I going to like either?”

“You know what, my friend, I have no idea.”

“Well, seeing as you ‘can’t lie’ tonight; let’s go with the truth shall we.” His voice was clipped and I could tell he was upset with the way things were going, but the Captain sounded vulnerable and I had never heard her sound like that before. I worried for her.

There was a long silence and then the sound of a soft sigh before the Captain spoke again. “The truth, huh? Well, I’m not all right. In fact, I haven’t been all right for a long time – not since New Earth.”

I was stunned to hear this, sitting here, huddled behind my counter. New Earth? The planet where they’d been stranded with the virus over two years ago. The crew had always wondered what had happened during those long weeks they’d been there alone on that planet. Neither the Captain, nor the Commander, had ever spoken of their time there but something significant must have happened and I’m so sad to hear that the Captain has been unhappy for so long. I wish I’d known, but I realise that she would never let any of us see that side of her. It wasn’t for us to share and only the Commander could heal her wounded heart.

He whispered, sounding shocked. “New Earth? Oh, Kathryn!”

“I miss us, Chakotay and what we had there. I yearn for it sometimes. The simplicity of the life we led and where that life was taking us.”

I hear movement and I peek around the edge of the counter. The Captain is now standing by the viewport and Chakotay is by her side. Their backs are to me so I continue to watch, waiting and hoping that they will at last find a happy resolution to their loneliness.

“I miss it too, Kathryn.”

The Captain turns to the Commander and cups the side of his face, smiling at him sadly. “I’m sorry that I told you the truth of how I felt about Kellin. It was unfair. I know it’s too late for us and what we had is gone. I grieve for it and accept that it can’t be, but that doesn’t make it any easier for me to see you moving on with your life. Don’t misunderstand, I was pleased for you. I really was. I want to see you happy. I know that I can’t rekindle what I’ve let die, but can you understand a little of how I felt when you fell in love with her.” Her hand drops to her side and she turns to gaze out the window again.

The Commander is staring at her. He’s not moving; in fact I don’t think he’s even breathing. When he does speak his voice is gruff with emotion. “Why didn’t you tell me this before, Kathryn? Why now?”

She shrugs her shoulders. “I don’t know. Bad timing again, I suppose. I seem to have a penchant for it. I apologise and I probably shouldn’t have said anything, but up until now, I never truly thought I’d lose you. I’ve imagined it, I’ve even created scenarios to try to inure myself to the idea, but the reality was so much worse. For the first time since we’ve been out here, I was afraid.” The Captain gave a humourless laugh. “Can you believe it? After all we’ve been through – the Kazon, the Vidiians, the Borg, the traumas and losses. All of that, and I barely bat an eyelid, but then along comes a wonderful woman and my first officer falls in love with her, and I’m terrified.”

I can hear the tears in her voice and so can the Commander because he moves closer and rests his hand gently on her shoulder. I want to yell at him. ‘Hold her, comfort her, she needs you and she has too much pride to ask.’ Of course, I don’t, but I can’t understand why he’s blind to what is right there in front of him?

I feel despondent and disappointed. Surely he understands. The Captain has a broken heart. Doesn’t he recognise that? He should. They are both suffering from the same ailment and now they have the perfect opportunity to heal each other.

I see her swipe at her eyes and glance at the table where the Commander’s writings are strewn. He follows her gaze, then places his fingers under her chin and turns her face towards him.

“Kathryn, I’m sorry. If I’d known, I would never have…”

“What, Chakotay? Never have fallen in love with Kellin? Love isn’t like that. No one knows what makes one person fall in love with another. It can’t be planned or manufactured. It just is. It happens because two people are in the right place at the right time. It can be dependent on something as simple as a word or a look. It’s a mystery and that’s its beauty and its allure. Tomorrow we’ll wake up and all memory of Kellin will be gone and back we’ll go to the way things were, but I needed you to know how I felt while you still remembered her. It might be wrong of me, but I needed you to make a choice and maybe, if you still have any feelings for me worth salvaging, we can perhaps look towards finding something worth holding onto.”

The Commander was silent again, and then he lifted his hand and stroked the Captain’s cheek. “Neelix said something similar to me about love earlier tonight but I didn’t really grasp it at the time. But what you both said is true. Love is a chance combination of elements and if we tried to predict it or control it, it would lose its power.”

The Captain placed her hand on the Commander’s chest as she’s done so many times in the past. It’s a gesture so filled with love that I wonder why the Commander hasn’t realised its meaning before now. I see him glance down to where her hand rests over his heart, then look at her face again. “I really thought I loved her, Kathryn, but… I’m glad she didn’t stay.”

“Oh, Chakotay, I’m sorry. I want you to be happy.”

“I am happy, Kathryn. I’ve been very happy here with you. I don’t know what I might have had with Kellin, and we’ll never know, but it can’t hold a candle to what you and I could have and that’s something I should have realised. I’m so sorry.”

The Captain smiles, although her eyes are glistening with unshed tears. “Now we’re both apologising. This can’t be good.”

“Oh, but it is. It’s wonderful.” Now the Commander is smiling.

They stand silhouetted against the star filled window looking at one another for the longest time. Then I hear the Captain whisper. “I love you, Chakotay.”

The Commander, although he is standing still, staggers slightly and takes a deep gasping breath.

My heart feels like it is going to explode out of my chest as I watch and wait.

“I love you too, Kathryn.”

Hallelujah!

I don’t know what I expect to happen now, perhaps a rapturous kiss, or a passionate embrace, followed by a kiss, but instead they both start to laugh. Quietly at first and then louder and harder, until they’re both clutching at each other, trying to stop themselves from collapsing in hysteria. I think to myself that just when I feel I’ve begun to understand humans, they do something so unexpected and out of character that I’m left floundering again and completely at a loss.

Slowly the laughter subsides and they’re left, breathing heavily and standing with their arms loosely draped around one another. The Commander is the first to speak. “Well, who’d have thought that we’d end up here, tonight of all nights. “

The Captain shakes her head. “Do you want the truth again?” She reaches up and touches the Commander’s lips. “I had hoped. I was prepared to walk away, but I had to tell you and tonight was the perfect time. If our love can survive this, it can survive anything.”

I smile to myself. The Captain is a wise woman and I hug my knees closer to my chest, grinning madly. They are very quiet again and I peek around the corner of the counter again.

Now they are holding each other. Their arms are wrapped tightly around one another and they are whispering so quietly that I can’t hear the words, but it sounds loving and joyful and I’m so happy for them.

The Commander pulls back a little, lowers his head and, in a move so natural that it seems as if they’ve done it a thousand times before, they kiss. It’s not the rapturous kiss I’d imagined, but a warm, soft and knowing kiss that speaks of love, respect and hearts that belong together.

The Captain pulls away, and smiling at the Commander, turns towards the door. “Shall we go before we traumatise some poor Gamma shift Ensign?”

The Commander laughs quietly. “Your place or mine?”

“Mine, but I’d like to think of it as ‘ours’ from now on, if that’s all right with you?”

The Commander says nothing, but sweeps her into his arms and kisses her again. She has her answer and arm in arm they walk slowly from the mess hall.

The doors quietly hiss close behind the happy couple and I sigh with relief. My legs are stiff as I clamber to my feet and I brush the creases out of my clothes. It is very late now and I bustle into the kitchen to turn the Seltin fungus down to a simmer and toss the Neccel strips in their salty bath. I whistle while I finish my chores, dancing a little as I make my way out of the kitchen towards the tables.

I see the Commander’s pages of writing where he’s left them. They’re forgotten but I’m not surprised. I gather them up and wonder what I should do with them. I stand, holding them for several minutes, trying to decide, then, before I can change my mind, I stride over to the recycler, toss them in and press the button. They shimmer out of existence and I heave a sigh. No one will ever be the wiser and besides, in a few hours time no one will even remember.

With one last look around the deserted mess hall, I turn towards the doors but something shimmers in the corner of my vision. I look back but there’s nothing there.

I wander back to the counter; straighten the Enaran orchid that Kes grew and nurtured, which I keep as a remembrance of her. I speak into the darkness. “Did you see them, my sweeting?” and closing my eyes, a familiar whisper drifts though my mind. My Kes is very close tonight and I smile.

With a contented sigh and a joyous heart, I turn out the lights and make my way home.

Fin


End file.
